Losing One's self...

So I am not really sure where to begin... but I guess I will start with a small update seeing as it has been just about a month since I have last written.  I did not read last months post as I usually do before an update - but since the last post I can say that Willow has fought fevers (at times up to 103 rectally), dizzy spells (where she is off balance on level ground), headaches, overly sleepy at times etc. So since this all started September 17th with the first call to neurosurgeon, we have had a Nuclear Med. study done and an MRI... Both of which came back fine.  The CSF they drew off before nuclear med study at first came back with WBC's in it - but was later to be found inconclusive.  So we were told to just sit and watch her for when things get worse.

Then last week she started fighting fevers again - I took her in to ER and after all things normal do a urine culture where the initial results are WBC's found in her urine... So they gave us antibiotics - only it was found also to be inconclusive and did not actually grow any bacteria.  So we were told to stop the antibiotics... but Jon and I decided to continue with them.  Her body is obviously fighting something and at this time, maybe the doctors don't know what it is, but maybe this will help.  I can say that her fever today thus far has stayed below 100. :)

So you may wonder how this pertains to 'losing one's self' as stated in the title... Well I am about to share a story with you that in the end may feel cathartic to me may be annoying to read for others. So for that I will just say I am sorry now....

I have been kind of going through some stuff in my life and no one really to talk to about it.  I have let it affect my marriage life, my life as a mother and mostly my own self life.  So yesterday Jon and I had a fight that started all because I said we need to start thinking about dinner and he had just finished laundry and sat down to have a smoke.... Well to keep all details out that are not of importance to anyone else, we are doing fine in the end, and are on a path to bettering ourselves and our marriage.  Which after some fun family time today led me to thinking on a drive to Meijer....

There are 3 ways to lose yourself -

One is to wrap yourself so tightly into your past, that you are not allowing yourself to grow as life changes around you.

The second way is to submit yourself to becoming the person that 'they' (whoever that other person in your life is) want you to be - a better cook, a college graduate, a doctor.. You get the idea.

The third way that really affected me was that you can drown yourself in the present moment in your life - meaning you live life moment to moment, this errand after that one, a general checklist of daily activities that must be completed but not enjoyed.

So while thinking of this, I realized (and after much thought to a question Jon asked me last night too) it brought me to realize that I was drowning... If someone were to ask me to describe myself or write an ad about myself all I could think of was I am a mother of 4, one with special needs (though not really physically challenging).  So then I started to think about what are some of the things I enjoyed pre kids.. I used to write, and love it!  I still have the binder of all my poetry that exploits my pre-child life.  It was not an easy life by any means and there are things also written about that seem childish to read about now - but it was me.  I used to scrapbook once I had Jonathan, but alas my artistic skills are that of a toddler learning to draw and so after I came to realize that I quit.  I was once a student and boy did I engulf my life in that for many years... But then came Willow and I became a mom...

A mom who realized that life was passing me by with my 'schedule' and that there are things bigger than me that could use my attention... But then we realized she has hydrocephalus and my life became figuring things out around surgeries and Willow's symptoms... Again drowning in the moment.

And then last nights argument came about as silly as it was it brought up a lot of stuff... and today at church I cried over a message that I don't think I would have had I seen it last week.... You see I can find myself again, and find a way see bigger as Willow has tried to remind me so many times again... I started this blog as a way to reclaim my writing, and then it became a way to journal our travels with Willow... I will still use it for Willow's journey, but as things begin to settle down with her (she is now 6 months surgery free which for her is a huge milestone!) I will also try to reclaim my writing..

For now, I will stop rambling and thank the so many of you that have made it this far in my story.


Carielle said…
As much as I like to learn about Willow, her life and her progress, I'm excited to hear that you are going to start writing more for you. I love the way you write and look forward to learning more about you!

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