I am done being strong through all of this, why do I have to be? I don't. I cried a lot today. I have found that the hardest part of all of this right now is that when she cries and wants to be picked up or if I am holding her and she wants to move to get more comfy I just cannot do it. I have to wait for a nurse to come and clamp off the shunt so that if I pick her up fluid does not come pouring out. I understand the logistics of it all, trust me I do, but that does not mean I need to be happy about it or even like what is going on. I cannot just do what I want when I want with Willow and I HATE IT! There, I have said it. I want Willow to not have to be here, I want to be home with the rest of the family, and be a part of the day to day again.... I want Willow to be healthy. And I don't feel that I have that right now, and really I am not sure when we will have that. Today's weather definitely matches my mood, gloomy.