That's it!

I am done being strong through all of this, why do I have to be?  I don't.  I cried a lot today.  I have found that the hardest part of all of this right now is that when she cries and wants to be picked up or if I am holding her and she wants to move to get more comfy I just cannot do it. I have to wait for a nurse to come and clamp off the shunt so that if I pick her up fluid does not come pouring out.  I understand the logistics of it all, trust me I do, but that does not mean I need to be happy about it or even like what is going on.  I cannot just do what I want when I want with Willow and I HATE IT!  There, I have said it.  I want Willow to not have to be here, I want to be home with the rest of the family, and be a part of the day to day again.... I want Willow to be healthy.  And I don't feel that I have that right now, and really I am not sure when we will have that.  Today's weather definitely matches my mood, gloomy.

Comments

Meg said…
You are all allowed to mourn the loss of what you envisioned would be the live you would live with Willow. It's ok to cry when things are so hard. And, once you get it out, then you can more easily pick up and go on again with the life you will really have with Willow. It will be a good life, just different and a little harder. But each smile, each milestone will be a gift that you can cherish. Hang in there, Donna, you and Jon are doing a great job. I hope you can manage to take turns with your down days - it will make it much easier:-)
May 15, 2011 at 8:39 PM
Amanda: said…
Awwww, honey I'm sorry it was a rough day. One hour at a time. If that's too much - try for 5 minutes at a time. You'll be on the other side soon.
May 16, 2011 at 7:21 PM
Chel said…
It sucks. Willow deserves to be healthy. You should not have to go through all this. I'm so sorry.
May 16, 2011 at 7:35 PM
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